Why Is Breastfeeding So Hard? A Breastfeeding Journey
/When I started my breastfeeding journey almost 8 years ago with the birth of my first child I never imagined I would be where I am today. I am on the verge of ending my breastfeeding journey FOREVER as my third child is 16 months old. I am feeling all the bitter sweet feels as I attempt to gracefully let go. Breastfeeding each of my three kids has been a unique learning experience and has had a dramatic impact on the way I teach others to breastfeed. I would love to share my journey and learned lessons with you!
Feeding my first child was a chore. I hated that it was a chore but it was tedious and painful and, honestly, it was depressing. When people ask which child was the hardest transition for me and my family I quickly and easily reply “zero to one.” I had unknowingly romanticized the experience and made the mistake of thinking that knowledge would translate to skill. Everything was new and nothing was what I expected. I had set a personal goal of breastfeeding my daughter exclusively for a year and (Phew!) we made it. I promptly packed up my pump and breastfeeding supplies at “a year and one day” and breathed a sigh of relief that it was over.
When I went into labor with my second child I was not worried about the delivery or pain, but when my water broke I cried at the realization that I was about to begin breastfeeding another human. My mom guilt did not let me entertain another option for feeding my child. If my body could do it I was going to do it, even if it made me miserable. I know I know… It makes no sense but we moms do strange things. My second child, much to my surprise, however, was a breastfeeding champ. Feeding him was going so well I used to joke with my husband that I was going to breastfeed this baby forever. So you can imagine my surprise when my busy 11 month old started rejecting the breast. He was voracious and practically eating cheeseburgers so I should not have been surprised but it caught me off guard and I was not ready nonetheless. An important parenting lesson in this experience was that this journey was not about me. I realized with the experience of feeding my second child that this breastfeeding journey was his to go on, not mine. A microcosm of our bigger parent child journey, I was simply there to support him along the way.
When my third child was born, breastfeeding had become second nature. I had the skill and the trust in myself to know what my baby needed and deliver it effectively. When my breast started to hurt due to a poor latch as it had with my first child I knew just what to do, and I did not stress over it. I did what was required to comfortably feed my child and I knew it would get better with time. I also had a loud 6 year old and 4 year old who did not give me the time or space to overthink anything. As a result, the quiet time spent breastfeeding my third baby became a retreat. My husband would take the older two kids to the park and I would quietly snuggle and feed my little guy. I would drop the older two off at school and spend my maternity leave enjoying each (relatively quiet) moment at home. Breastfeeding happened easily and often. The gift of breast-feeding a third child was the appreciation that nothing lasts forever and that each moment, even the crazy moments, are precious and fleeting.
And now its time to say goodbye to breastfeeding for good. My third and final baby is 16 months old and honestly I can not believe I am still breastfeeding. My husband is threatening to cut us off as he knows us both too well and realizes that without his encouragement we would never stop. I am spoiling this child because I have a hard time letting go of this stage but that is a personal problem… not a breastfeeding problem. As I learned years before, and try to remember at these times, It is not about me. As his parent I must realize that if I believe he is ready to stop breastfeeding, which he is, then I have to put my big girl pants on and show him the way. Its hard to accept, and it makes me sad, but I love him more than I love breastfeeding.
As I teach other women to breastfeed I keep in mind these many lessons. Sometimes breastfeeding is hard, sometimes its easy. Sometimes its what you hoped for and imagined and sometimes it is not. Sometimes your baby ends the breastfeeding journey and sometimes you do. Other times no one wants to stop breastfeeding and as a parent you are required to be the adult and guide your child where they need to be even though it makes you sad. I want women to know that breastfeeding, while transformative for a mother, is primarily your baby’s journey and it is most healthy in my opinion to focus on what they need. Staying in tune with your baby’s needs shifts the lens and allows you to focus on what really matters and be the best parent you can be vs the best breast-feeder you can be. Remaining focused on your baby’s journey also allows you to forgive yourself when breastfeeding does not go well. A baby needs to eat and needs a mom that is healthy and happy. If breastfeeding allows for both of those things to happen then great!
Now, when my third child wants to nurse he says “mama more” and signs “more” with his chubby little fingers and it breaks my heart a little bit each time I tell him no. I distract him with a toy or game because I know he simply wants comfort, not food, and he quickly forgets that he wanted to nurse. I breast feed him once a day before bed and I am treating each feeding like its our last knowing that at any moment he could push me away wanting to be the independent big boy I know he is. As a birth and breastfeeding education teacher I hope that my experiences can help others who are wading through the murky waters of early parenting. It does not always get easier but it definitely gets better.
